Act I (the only act in this play) Scene I (the only scene in this act)
[Note to all actors- Remember, all words except those in brackets are to be read out loud.]
[Setting: Students are seated in a classroom with the teacher in front. Most of the students are at their computers. One desk is empty. That desk has a wireless hub on it. Stage Curtain (as portrayed by a persuasive person) is taking a little snooze on the floor waiting for the show to begin. Enticing Virus is asleep at her desk. At the sides of the classroom or off-stage are those actors who enter as Act I evolves. These include Ned Network, Eddie Encryption, Ida Interference, The Triplets, and Horrendous Hacker. Peter Packet is off stage or at the side of the classroom and is invisible.]
Stage Curtain
The Stage Curtain rises on the first act [Stretches].
Naughty Narrator
"Students, imagine that you are in this very classroom in the midst of the Peter Packet game. Everything is two dimensional, even you. You are thinner than a piece of paper, and people can hardly see you when you stand sideways. You are, [hesitate dramatically] my darlings," the Naughty Narrator says nastily, "cartoon characters of puny packets. Your teacher is at this time instructing your class to practice its penmanship on its computers. All of you are making lines of 'L's' across your computer screens. One desk is empty." The Naughty Narrator takes a deep breath [breathes deeply], points to the desk where Peter Packet once sat [points], and sighs, "You are such a boring group, but I won't have to deal with you for too much longer."
Teacher Terrific
"And now class, all eyes this way," Mrs. Terrific says with enthusiastic emphasis. "We shall now begin practicing our 'M's' because your 'L's' are simply magnificent. You know that we packets have to have good penmanship to deliver all those wonderful letters." She looks over at the empty desk and frowns [frown at audience if there is an audience]. "Now where could Peter have gone?" she asks sounding very worried. "He was just here a nanosecond ago."
Sweet Sally
"Peter is delivering a packet, Mrs. Terrific," Sweet Sally says sweetly. Sally smiles at the audience showing her white teeth and her beautiful new blue braces.
Naughty Narrator
"Sickening, isn't it?" the narrator looks directly at the audience and moans [moan].
Savvy Sam
"Don't be silly Sally," Savvy Sam speaks up. "Network Ned has nixed the network once more. —Just when I was going to sell some of my perfect 'L's' on the Internet. Lots of kids would love to buy them."
Teacher Terrific
"It's time to do our 'N's'. Network Ned is two of them, isn't he? Get to work, students, and I shall go look for Peter." Teacher Terrific hops into her laptop. [Mrs. Terrific leaves the stage.]
Naughty Narrator
In an overtly ominous voice, the Naughty Narrator announces, "Your teacher has disappeared into wireless space." He lifts his heavy eyebrows up and down. "Ned Network enters from stage left or right-whatever."
Ned Network
Ned Network enters the classroom looking very tired. "Rambunctious Router is on strike because he doesn't think he's appreciated, and the network is down, down, down—again."
Brainy Billy
"Down where?" Brainy Billy asks.
Moody Mercedes
Moody Mercedes tilts her head so that her hair falls just so, runs her fingers through her shiny curls, and announces in her melodious voice, "Peter is delivering a message to my boyfriend, Horrendous Hacker."
The Twins, Worried Wanda and Wary William (in unison)
"Horrendous Hacker!" the twins Worried Wanda and Wary William shout in exact unison. "Peter wouldn't have anything to do with Horrendous Hacker."
Wonderful Juan
"Peter is working with Eddie Encryption," says Wonderful Juan, "to outwit Horrendous."
Moody Mercedes
"Wait and see," suggests Moody Mercedes. Moody winks at the audience [wink] and continues, "Peter would do anything for me."
Sweet Sally
"What's that round thing on Peter's desk?" Sweet Sally asks ever so nicely but sounds seriously unsettled.
Brainy Billy
"Could be one of those worms that gets into software, but it doesn't look like a worm, does it? Maybe it's a hacker snooping device. Everyone hide! Get under your desks!"
The Twins, Worried Wanda and Wary William (in unison)
"We're goners! We will be lost on the information highway to nowhere."
Ned Network
"Yeah, yeah, take cover if you think it would help." Ned Network says with a yawning yawn [big yawn]. "That thing's your wireless hub and if you go into the computer it will send you directly to Rambunctious Router who won't work. You packets could be sent anywhere."
Naughty Narrator
“Your teacher is kaput, Peter Packet is no more, and the rest of you are going to be as well. I hear that Lovely Linda is with Peter. Horrendous Hacker, Moody Mercedes, and I are going to get rid of all of you! Ha. Ha. Ha," the Naughty Narrator laughs. His madness maddens.
Agitated Ali
"Oh no," says agitated Ali in a quavering voice. "I'm in love with Lovely Linda. I'm going in after her." Ali hops into his computer. [Ali leaves the stage.]
Naughty Narrator
"Chalk off one more."
Savvy Sam
"We'll all be sent anywhere. You too, Moody."
Moody Mercedes
"Not I, my weepy, wishy-washy friends," says Moody Mercedes. "When we get rid of you, we're are heading to the Caribbean for some sun, while you are sent anywhere, perhaps to the Graveyard of Dropped Packets, which I imagine is where Peter. Linda, Ali, and Teacher Terrific are. At least, you won't have to work on penmanship anymore."
Genius Gene
Genius Gene pushes his chair back and stands to address the class, "Not to worry, Mr. Network and sensational students, excepting Moody Mercedes. You can't be sent anywhere because our wireless network doesn't have the range to send you anywhere. Peter and Mrs. Terrific are most likely no farther than the Girls' Lavatory."
Brainy Billy
"Do you really think they are in the lavatory?" Brainy Billy asks. Billy hops into the computer saying, "I always wanted to see what the Girls' Lavatory looked like." [Billy leaves the stage.]
Naughty Narrator
"One more down."
Enticing Virus
Enticing Virus gets up and slinks to the front of the room, "I'll help you find them. Just let me attack, I mean ATTACH, myself to each of you packets, and we're off to save Peter and Teacher Terrific and maybe Linda and Ali, too." She looks at the audience and snickers [snickers].
Annie Virus
"Good try, Enticing," says her cousin Annie Virus from the back of the room, "but you are out of here!" The valiant Annie races toward Enticing and sprays her with her secret ingredient, garden-scented, aroma therapy hair spray." Ssssssss. [Don't use hair spray because it may get in someone's eyes. Use water and a spray bottle, perhaps labeled as hairspray.]
Enticing Virus
"Ah," Enticing pats her hair and says sleepily as she returns to her desk and puts her head down. "I think I'll forgo this trip. Doesn't my hair look nice?"
Genius Gene
"If we work together on the inside with Mr. Network helping us on the outside, we can turn this disastrous situation around. But, we'll need Eddie."
Sweet Sally
"Where's Eddie Encryption? Is he lost with Peter?"
Naughty Narrator
"No, sadly enough he's not lost," Naughty says gloomily. "I hope he doesn't foil my plan. Here comes that nitwit."
Eddie Encryption
"Sorry to be late folks, but there's a charming chimpanzee who's applied for Grade 8 here at Wildly Wireless. No one could read her application, but she does write beautifully in ChimpanLingua and should be a whiz at 'L's'. Teacher Terrific will love her. Now that I've got her decoding, I'm here to encode you and protect your information from Horrendous." Eddie hesitates, turns and looks romantically at Moody and adds, "I don't see what you see in that guy. I'm obviously more appealing."
Moody Mercedes
"He's exciting, and I've had enough of your messing me up. Your disguises hamper my obvious beauty. I refuse to be encrypted, and Horrendous likes me that way."
Genius Gene
"Time is of the essence, whatever that means. I suggest we act now with me as your leader.
Ned Network
"Okay. Do the Annie spray thing, get your disguises from Eddie," suggests Network, "and you packets get going together. When you get to Rambunctious Router, do anything you can NOT to get sent to the Girls' Lavatory. It is getting too crowded."
Genius Gene
"Grab your checksum, IDs, and info," advises Genius Gene with weapon in hand [a yardstick]. "Be careful. Enticing has been silenced for a bit, but Varsity Virus is hiding at stage left. Watch out for Horrendous and all sorts of nasty interference. Everyone follow me onto the Internet. CHARGE!" [Genius heads off stage looking like he is leading an army with his yardstick drawn.]
All Packets (in unison)
The packets look at the audience and scream their war call, "DELIVER!" They rush off the stage. [Packets leave the stage.]
Naughty Narrator
"There they go–all those helpless little packets—never to be seen again. I hope. They jumped into the computer and our wireless hub sent them surfing in Wildly Wireless space. I wish them a speedy trip to the Graveyard of Dropped Packets." Naughty looks sternly at the audience, smiles in a creepy crease of his lips, and moves his abundant eyebrows up and down.
Varsity Virus
"Never fear," Varsity Virus peeks his virulent head out from stage left and says, "I'm after them!" [Varsity runs across the stage looking dangerous. Annie goes after him with her spray. She runs off-stage and then returns to stand guard by Enticing.]
Ida Interference
Jumping onstage Ida Interference yells, "So am I!" [Ida tiptoes across the stage looking like she doesn't know where she is going.]
The Triplets — Micro Wave, Radio Wave and Cordless Karen (in unison)
"We are coming your way!" [The triplets go to stage center, turn and look at the audience and add,] "Act I is almost over."
Naughty Narrator
"Also on stage, Ned Network is, as usual, busy nixing the network, and Annie is making sure Enticing's hair is properly done." The narrator clears his magnificent throat [clear throat] and announces, "Our hero makes an appearance followed by the voice of that pipsqueak Peter."
Horrendous Hacker
Horrendous stalks on stage. He looks at the audience and sends his eyes side to side. "Those packets will be squashed into gibberish nothingness when I read their messages," Horrendous Hacker says through his evidently evil vocal cords as he smiles at Moody. Moody, naturally, smiles back a him.
Peter Packet
Peter Packet is heard but not seen, for he is on an evasively secret mission and cannot disclose his whereabouts. He says in his superhero voice, which only packets can hear, "Meet me at Rambunctious' Ranch, and don't get sent beyond our wireless network through the Internet cables. If you do, we may never find you."
Naughty Narrator
Act I ends, and the Naughty Narrator is delighted.
Stage Curtain
The stage curtain falls [fall carefully] and returns to sleep.
